SEO like a Pick Up Artist

crowded-bar

SEO and seduction have got some things in common which I shall explain. This blog post is from a guys perspective. I hope you girls will not be offended. It’s supposed to be funny ;-) . If you can come up with a girls version then drop a comment and I shall link to your article.

Link requests

link request

Linkbuilding is all about getting links from other websites. In this example I am narrowing down linkbuilding to asking for links. When you get in touch with the right contact person of a certain website it is of the essence to have the right approach. If you simply ask for a link then your are going to get shot down.

The same in most cases happen when you approach a girl on a wild night out. If you start a conversation by asking standard questions you are not going to get her attention. The best approaches are the unique ones which are unique and stand out. Girls hear over and over the same questions and the same goes for the people you are in contact with to acquire a link. So try to be as unique as possible and come up with an awesome approach.

Linkbait (extraordinary look, feel and content)

linkbait peacocking

Getting links without asking for them requires you to have a website which looks fantastic, is responsive, has great content and awesome marketing/PR. Websites with 404 errors, outdated designs, infrastructure built like a maze and no marketing/PR will not be successful. Your websites needs that “extraness”.

In the seduction world you can also acquire this by having “game”. Slick talk, stunning outfit, unique accessories, social proof/skills (in other words pea cocking) will increase your odds in wheeling in a class-A catch. So suit-up like Barney Stinson, smile and look confident, then see how your night will fair out. I’ll bet you that more girl’s will be open to you.

301 redirect

301 redirect wingman

301 redirects are necessary to let search engines know you moved your domain or content. It can also serve to fix duplicate content issues. 301 redirects are very powerful in transferring link juice.

When out with your friend(s) and you are taken, why not 301 redirect all the girls who are interested in you to one of your mates? Throw in a couple of good words and pass on the link juice in real life.

302 redirect

302 redirect wingman

You will want to look out for 302 redirects. If there are websites linking to pages which 302 redirect to another page you are going to miss out on some link juice. 302 redirects are temporarily redirects. A search engine bot thinks that the content has moved to a new url, but will be back soon (temporarily).

In a club you started chatting with a girl you are really into, but you see someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Your wingman is in the neighbourhood and you set-up a 302 redirect to your wingman. He will keep her busy until you are back. Don’t stay too long away, because it might just end up in a 301 redirect ;-) .

robots.txt

robots.txt cheating

With the robots.txt you can block pages from search engines, but if a page/folder is blocked in the robots.txt it still can show up in the search engines (because other sites are  linking to the page). If a page is blocked by robots.txt Google will show a meta description in the search results stating that the page is blocked by the robots.txt.

This can also happen when you are having a great time with a girl you just met. All of a sudden this guy steps into the picture. It’s her boyfriend *oeps*, this does not mean she is unreachable. You made the connection (already discovered her) and she was and might still be interested in you. Be creative and find a workaround to keep things rolling.

noindex

rejection link request

If a page has got a noindex tag, the page still can get crawled, but is not allowed to get indexed. Duplicate content pages (for example similar Adwords landing pages), secure pages, development environment etc. consist most of the time of a noindex tag because you don’t want these pages to get indexed.

Stepping up to a girl who shoots you down immediately by stating “not interested” is what the search engine bots encounter when coming across a page with noindex. Poor search engine bots, they have feelings too.

site: search

search club

Google search operators can give you some excellent insight in analyzing your own domain and other domains. You can filter, by title, text, url, anchor etc.

Entering a club with your friends always consists of a “site:<nightclub name> intitle:goodlooking girls” search.

rel=”canonical”

bff rel=canonical

When you have duplicate content you can let search engines know with rel=”canonical” which page is the preferred one. This can be handy for websites/pages with sorting (alphabetically), listing (price and rating), pagination (next and previous pages) and other content duplication issues.

Out and about you come across 2 BFF’s. You prefer one of them, because she has that “something”. She is the “canonical” version.

Duplicate content

duplicate content twins

Google is not a fan of duplicate content. Make sure you don’t copy large pieces of content from other pages and if you do then link back to the source. If you have internal duplicate content then use 301 redirects, rel=”canonical”, rewrite the content, noindex the duplicate pages etc.

Duplicate content can occur when you are sarging. I know Google doesn’t like duplicate content, but can you say “no” to a perfect pair of twins? I thought so.

Pagination

jealous pagination

You are dealing with pagination when there is a relationship between component urls. This is common on product category pages, articles divided in multiple pages etc. To handle this you can add in the <head> rel=”next” and rel=”prev”. For example if several websites link to page 6, 9, 10 and 15, then the link value is scattered. By adding rel=”next” and rel=”prev” all the link value will be grouped. Also users from search engines will typically land on the first page of the series.

When you are trying to meet up with a girl it can sometimes take a few tries. If the first girl turned you down, start talking with the next girl and the next and the next (just like a pagination series). The first girl sees you chit chatting with all these other girls and gets a bit jealous. You might just end up with the first girl if you play your cards right.

Accessibility

accesibility out of your league

If you want your pages to get indexed then you better make sure your website is crawlable. Search engine bots are getting smarter and smarter, even though make sure you have a good internal link structure with no technical obstacles. Important pages should be max. 3 clicks away from the homepage. Have categories link to sub-categories and if possible have those (sub-)categories also link to each other. Use tags, relevant articles, interlink via anchors etc. You get the picture.

This also occurs when you are trying to get in touch with that special girl. If a girl is out of your league and thus hard accessible, you need to think about clever ways to approach her. Crawl you way up her internal link structure (mingle in with her friends). This is one way you can eventually make acquaintance with her. A bit of social proof can open doors for you.

404

girl gone 404

A 404 error means that a page does not exist. This could be a broken or a dead link. This is from a user experience and search engine perspective not good. Try and fix the error or redirect the url to the most relevant working one. It does occur that 404 pages get (a lot of) backlinks. If you redirect those 404 pages to the most relevant working url’s you will save some link juice.

At the bar you had a couple of drinks. Maybe a bit too much. You thought you saw a beautiful girl, but when took another sip and you looked at the girl she was nowhere to be found. Are you sure she was sitting there? Or did you just have too much to drink ;-) .

410

walked out of the club 410

410 is similar to a 404 error, but more permanent. If you are for sure that a page will never ever return then use a 410 instead of a 404.

The whole night you have been dancing with a girl! All of a sudden she said she had to go. You did not even get the time to get her phone number. She walked straight out of the club and was gone…..

500

drunk girl 500

500 errors are not good. The error means that “something” has gone wrong. It can irritate users but also search engines. Because the error is vague you need to get your technical guy to analyze and fix the issue.

There is this girl you have had an eye on for a while. On a night out you finally met her and started talking. Seemly she has had a lot to drink, because you could not understand a single word she was saying. She was absolutely plastered. A typical real life 500 error.

503

toilet 503

503 errors occur when a server is unable to handle the request because of a temporary overload or maintenance of the server. If a search engine sees this error it knows that it should come back soon because the page or website is only down for a short time.

You met up with 2 girls and 1 of the girls was not feeling to good. She wanted to go home. Luckily she lives just around the corner. Her girlfriend did not want to let her go home alone and said she was going to bring her, but because she is so into you she let you know she would be back in a while.

Paid links

paid links the red light district

A lot of companies buy links to increase their rankings in the search engines. You can pay others to write something about your product or service, but you should make sure it is not clear that it is a payed link. If your link passes PageRank and it is in the advertisement section, then you better get your act together. If Google catches you, then you might be up shit creek. You will need to clean up all the bad paid for links and file in a reconsideration request.

The same goes for paying for girls (not much seduction comes to pass here). If you do pay for a girl, make sure it is in a place like the red light district and not on the corner of a street. You don’t want to be caught by a cop and file in a reconsideration request in court ;-) .

Link brokers

link broker pimp

Link brokers are the pimps of the search engines. They sell (quality) links for a monthly/yearly fee. I would be very careful doing business with these digital pimps.

You don’t need to do business with pimps after reading this post. Bring your SEO game to the real world!

Site Speed

speeddating site speed

Site speed is one of the many search engine ranking factors. The main reason behind this is that internet users in general don’t like websites which respond slowly. Use the page speed to see how your website is performing and take action if necessary.

If you want to find a girl fast then speed dating might be something for you. You only have a couple of minutes (websites less than 4 seconds) to impress a girl so make every word count!

PageRank

pagerank girls

In short you get a higher PageRank by getting “votes” from other websites. These votes are passed via links. Some links are more important than other links based on several factors such as authority of the linking website, the context, type of link, where the link is placed etc. The higher your PageRank, the higher you can rank in the search engines.

This can also be said in the seduction world. If you are surrounded by girls you develop higher value (DHV). These offline votes can help you attract some nice girls!

Closing words

There are probably a lot more resembles between SEO en picking up girls. Have you got some additional ones or do you have other examples for the ones above? Let me know and I might add them.

Stephen

My name is Stephen Farrelly and I am an Online Marketeer specialized in Search Engine Marketing (SEA and SEO), Analytics and Social Media (Strategy and advertising). I live in Rotterdam (The Netherlands).

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